Motte and Bailey are on a brief hiatus while the scriptwriter works on her thesis and prevaricates between eating bacon Frazzles and prawn cocktail Skips. Their adventure will be resolved soon, complete with latent sexual tension and horrific puns. In the meantime, a little light amusement in the form of fashion. All of the pictures in this post are of real garments currently for sale via a well-known online retailer. I won’t say who because I’m kind, and because contrary to the appearance of this terrifying selection, they do sell some Nice Shiny Things.

You know those awkward, ‘transitional’ days where it’s not quite cold and not quite warm? Undoubtedly the worst thing about those days is realising that your bosom is freezing cold while your ribs are sweating. What’s a fashionable lady to do? I present you with the solution. This stylish polyester, er, thing, does away with all those inconvenient fripperies like bits of fabric that actually cover your torso. For the girl who has everything – including serious blood circulation issues!

Sometimes you just want to be able to drink a can or six of Red Bull without worrying about the consequences. For that moment when their marketing slogan comes true (i.e. never), this shirt accommodates your new avian physical enhancements without the danger of shredding up your cherished Primark t-shirt. For the day when you finally sprout wings!

Ever been stuck on what to wear for your first day at Clown College? I know I have! Make getting dressed for Fitting-Into-A-Tiny-Car 101 a breeze with this elegant collar. Dress it up with a red nose or wear it casual with a fake squirty flower. Bonus – it doubles up as a costume for those Jacobean-themed cocktail parties everyone isn’t talking about!

Show them who’s top dog with this fabulous furry overshirt. You’d be barking mad not to buy it! Suitable for the work environment – if your job is working as the front half of a pantomime animal. The seller takes no liability for being paintbombed by PETA activists.

Want to capture the glory days of your early-90s, Ecstasy-addled raver youth? Are you colour-blind and want to exact an ironic polychrome revenge on the 92% of the population not suffering from your condition? Or are you simply in possession of the world’s most disproportionate torso-to-leg ratio? If you answered ‘Yes’ to at least one of these questions, then this is the shirt for you!

The White Stripes song Offend in Every Way was written by Jack White specifically about this garment. That is all.


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