MOTTE AND BAILEY: part ye thirde

Previously on Motte and Bailey: Baron Camelotto-Rollovyr explains the mysterious death of the castle jester, with limited assistance from Robert de Milton Keynes, inventor of the Lolle-Catte. Motte and Bailey decide to go to the dungeon to examine the body.

Scene 4: The castle dungeon

Quickly! Everybody search this disproportionately small castle for clues!

[THE DUNGEON DOOR OPENS. MOTTE, BAILEY, THE BARON AND ROBERT ENTER BEARING TORCHES]

ROBERT: We thought it best to place the corpse down here, as it is cold.

BAILEY: It’s certainly a cheerless place.

BARON: We used to throw Geoffrey Saucer in here whenever he tried freestyle rapping. It didn’t work though – he just started going on about ‘the Pun-geon’ and we had to let him out before he would shut up.

[ALL PLACE TORCHES ON WALL BRACKETS]

ROBERT: If you are prepared, we shall remove the shroud from the body. [PULLS SHROUD BACK]

MOTTE: Let us bless the body before examining it. [PINCHES NOSE AND CROSSES THE BODY]

BAILEY: Overwhelmed by the smell, Sister? I may be able to relieve it slightly.

MOTTE: How?

BAILEY: Hello, Sister, look at the corpse, now back to me, now back at the corpse, now back to me. Sadly, he isn’t me, but if he stopped being dead and switched to Olde Spyce, he could smell like he’s me. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re in a dungeon with the knight that corpse could smell like. What’s in your hand? Back at me. I have it, it’s a new psalter with two tickets to the next Royal Joust. Look again, the tickets are now a diamond rosary. Anything is possible when your knight smells like Olde Spyce and not a corpse. I need a horse. [SPRAYS SOMETHING FROM A SMALL BOTTLE]

MOTTE: Oh, for the love of – [SNIFFS] Actually, that’s not bad. Right, let’s get to work. [LOOKS CLOSELY AT CORPSE]. Hmmm…. neck definitely broken… but what are these marks?

BARON: Where? We saw no marks.

MOTTE: Under the hair, at the back of the neck. See? Dark, raised marks. I have a suspicion –

ROBERT: What?

MOTTE: I need to confirm it. I have to look at the, er… this is difficult for a nun to say… I have to check his baton d’amour.

BAILEY: His what? [PAUSES] Ohhhhh. Heh. Nice euphemism.

ROBERT: That is no task for a lady! And not one in holy orders!

MOTTE: I must, Abbot. ‘Tis the only way to confirm the illness. [PEEKS]. Yes, as I thought, the marks are there also. Gentlemen, this man was suffering from the Black Death.

ROBERT: Then he might still be contagious! Step away! The foul miasmas will poison us all!

MOTTE: No, I think not. Sir Liqueur’s liberal flinging of Olde Spyce in our faces has probably dispersed all foulness, and asphyxiated all the dungeon rats to boot. We still have things to find. Such as – where is the piece of cloth you mentioned, Baron?

BARON: The cloth?

BAILEY: You did say, Milord, that a piece of cloth was found clutched in the jester’s hand.

BARON: Ah, yes, of course. I removed it. But I… wait a minute… [PATS DOWN HIS ROBES] Ah, yes. Here we have it. [PULLS OUT A SCRAP OF CLOTH AND HOLDS IT OUT]

MOTTE: Thank you. [TAKES SCRAP FROM BARON] Interesting. This cloth is very fine and light. Not an old rag. It looks as if it came from a robe, or perhaps a drapery.

BAILEY: Perhaps we ought to search the rest of the castle now. We may find the origin of this scrap.

MOTTE: The whole castle? Looking for a tiny tear in a piece of fabric? Do you know how many closets and chests there must be in this place?

BARON: Indeed, Madam, and Sir, it may prove an impossible task. But I shall have my housekeeper and servants assist you.

BAILEY: I have an idea. To make this go faster.

MOTTE: I’m all ears underneath this wimple.

BAILEY: How about a three-minute montage of clips of us searching the castle? Bound to get things done faster.

MOTTE: That… is a good idea. We need motivational music, though.

BAILEY: Rock lutes? Or uplifting madrigals?

MOTTE: Both.

[CUE MONTAGE OF THE CASTLE BEING SEARCHED]

 

To be continued as long as I can think of relevant puns

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